Today I’m going to share openly about something that has plagued me almost my entire adult life. FEAR!!!
On this site I’m not going to tell you how to face and overcome your fears, but I’m going to share openly my journey to living fully awake and free from fear. If you ever want to know more deeply about my faith, please ask.
I have many, many fears. I can’t tackle them all at once, but one by one I can face them boldly and fight them. So today I will talk about my fear of gaining my weight back. I think often of what my life would be like if I were ever to cross the 200 mark again and then fall deeper into the pit of obesity. I dream about gaining it all back. Fears and thoughts plague me.
I still have a jacked up relationship with food and I’m almost a Nazi mom in terms of food portioning. I do think I’m over zealous about it and also worry in turn that I am setting my children up for food issues. I have two overweight children (out of five) and I fear for them that they will have to endure the struggle that I have and am fighting against. Although I’m grateful for the chance to lose weight, learn to move, and face my life/fears etc. head on…it isn’t easy. My four-year olds already talk in terms of protein, carbs etc. I’m afraid of setting up a good food/bad food hierarchy in this house.
Also I admit that because of my food fears and hang-ups that I still have grocery shopping all but brings on a panic attack. Gratitude is often lacking when I’m circulating the isles of my grocery stores (food warehouses), full of hundreds of choices, varieties of clean food, and drink. How selfish am I to fear or dread or begrudge coming home to my house with running water that’s CLEAN, putting my groceries (more food than we need) away and knowing that they were paid for with money that my husband earned. There isn’t very much about grocery shopping that I enjoy. I abhor meal planning, driving to the store (with or without kids), shopping, seeing the total (our grocery bill is substantial to feed 7), putting them away and then fighting the children to keep from eating them in a week. There are people all over the world, heck there are people in my neighborhood starving. Cultures worldwide pray for clean water to drink and a healthy, parasite free meal. I’m selfish. I’m entitled. I’m ashamed.
I’m afraid that I’ll never lose the last bit of weight or that I won’t reach a goal/certain number on the scale. I’m not foolish enough to think that after being obese my entire life, carrying five children (two sets of twins) that I won’t have a ton of excess skin. I can’t even wrap my mind around plastic surgery, the pain, the process, the need to have it, the emotional attachment etc. That’s for another day. This journey, this page, this honesty is a push a bridge to a goal. I pray that I can reach a certain number (half of what I was). I’m not yet ready to face what will happen if I can’t. Maybe that’s for another Friday?
The way that I’m going to overcome this fear is by utilizing this page to its fullest capacity and purpose. By sharing this fear via cyberspace it holds less power over me. Allowing you to keep me accountable increases the probability that I won’t gain the weight back. Writing is therapeutic, cathartic and liberating. I’m going to say it…I don’t EVER want to be FAT AGAIN!!!
I hope you have a fabulous weekend. I invite you to comment, respond and share a fear that you want to face head-on and conquer. We can do this together. I would be honored to think of you, maybe even lift up a prayer on your behalf (if you allow me to do so) and hold you accountable, being a fellow sojourner into a life with less fear and more wonder and peace.