Snap, crackle pop. Remember that old Rice Krispies commercial? Well lately that’s been the sound that resonates from me. My right knee has become increasingly more and more “crunchy”. There hasn’t been much pain until recently. I was given some exercises to isolate my knee and to strengthen hips etc. So I’m praying that the pain/crunch will get better. Also, I’m going to buy a support and keep on keeping on with my training program. Learning to listen to my body and know when to rest is hard for me, but it’s a skill I’m developing. Ice, rest, modifying exercises…this is all a part of my life currently and I’m having to deal with it.
Even more troubling though is my newest condition. Accompanying my “crunchy” knee is a divided heart. I must admit that I have been struggling with fear, worry and the “what ifs”. What if I can’t run anymore? What if I put weight back on and I come to a stand still in my progress? No more lunges? No more squats? What will I do for cardio? I’ve come too far to go back. Morbid obesity is just NOT an option for me. My life is different. I’ve changed. I’m grateful! Because of this fear and anxiety I’ve back off not only on training, but I haven’t been as diligent/careful in my eating. Apathy and laziness are lurking and it’s frightening!!!
It’s more than that. Even in the midst of one of the most encouraging times of my life, I’m struggling with doubt. This is in life, not just in my weight loss journey. The ugly monsters of fear, doubt, apathy, confusion, instability, laziness are lurking on the horizon. It’s as if they are waiting in hopes to destroy, steal, ruin.
I’m feeling double minded and a bit divided these days. God’s Word talks about this. James 1:5-8 says “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” (ESV) I don’t want to be unstable in my life. I want wisdom. I NEED wisdom to know how to eat, how to work out, how to live my life, how to parent, how to school, etc. James 4:7-9 (NLT) says “7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy.”. Am I truly sorrowful and repentant in regards to my food addiction, compulsive eating, lack of discipline? I don’t want my loyalties to be divided between God and the world. I want God to have my WHOLE heart, mind and soul. Romans 12:1-2 says that the transformation starts by presenting my body and then allowing God to renew/transform my mind. These are the ways I WANT to live, the ways I STRIVE to live, the ways I’m LEARNING to live.
I’m also struggling with comparison. The green-eyed monster of envy holds me captive sometime and all I can see are beautiful, thin, talented, creative, debt free, “together” people. My life seems boring, normal, out of control, hopeless and pointless when it’s up against the lives of those kinds of people. This is such a pointless, self-defeating, displeasing to God kind of attitude, mindset. It’s stinkin’ thinkin’ and I fall prey to it FAR TOO OFTEN. The glass half empty mindset has been my m.o. for years and I’m ready for a paradigm shift.
Gotta kick start my heart. Gonna rest my knee. Gotta cleanse my body and mind. Gonna take control again of my eating. Gotta lift heavier weights. Gotta run a little longer. Gonna get more rest. Gotta drink more water. Gonna pray for wisdom. Gotta keep presenting myself to God and live my life with short accounts, clean hands and a pure heart. Gonna keep on fighting the good fight!!!