So today I’ve literally felt haunted by memories. Haunted by pictures, dreams and verbal reminders of past failures and disappointments. I had a series of disturbing dreams last night featuring people from my past. I was unloving toward my children today and found myself yelling more than I should. Jesse randomly reminded me, in specific detail, of an episode where I had “blown it” as a parent. I did not do something very important that Nathan asked me to, and I wasn’t as careful with Jonathan as I should have been while getting him dressed for bed and he slipped and hurt his chin.
I feel condemned. I feel haunted and unable to shake this feeling of not being what I should be/could be or was meant to be. My mind plays tricks on me. Feelings dominate me. The struggle to separate reality and emotion is real tonight. Expectations have been set and grossly missed by me and I have been let down by far too many people. The scales have stopped moving and tonight it feels hopeless to ever set them back in balance. My dreams seem pointless. The green-eyed monster of envy is growling in the background, wanting me to give it a place in my heart. My thoughts are cluttered. My heart feels divided.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Oh how I need the Spirit’s strength to allow Christ to forgive through me. I wish I didn’t have these memories. My mind begs me to focus on the positive. Why is it that the scum always rises to the top of the pond? Can’t I remember happy days? New vision, new ways of seeing, perceiving, focusing. I’m ready to respond instead of react.
Tired of being afraid. Tired of looking over my shoulder. Desperately wanting to be FREE from this weight. Such depth of pain. An intense amount of sadness. A feeling of loss for what was and what will never be.
I feel as if the ghost of my past and the unmet expectations of my life will ever be present. I pray that I can reconcile them someday.