Fears that I’m facing head on…..overcoming as I embrace a life of peace and serenity. In the words of the Serenity Prayer (the entire version) “that I may reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next.” It’s not going to be a perfect life, but I don’t have to live it afraid!!!
1. Gaining my weight back and becoming morbidly obese.
I am fighting this with the faith that if I continue to present my body as a living sacrifice, living one day at a time that my mind, body and soul will continue to become healthier. I also realize that ultimately my days are in God’s hands. I’m making better choices in terms of my food/eating and working out regularly.
*4-14-16- I have gained some of my weight back and am trying to figure out how much of this is out of my control and what is due to poor habits sneaking back into my daily living. I’m aware of my tendencies and have started back on the path to wholeness, health and healing. Fear will not take me down into its stronghold.
*7-30-16- I have lost all of the weight that I gained and then some. I am back at the 100+ pound weight loss mark. I have participated in a Daniel Fast, used 21 Day Fix and am training for my third half marathon.
5-22-17- Gaining and losing 20 pounds a year isn’t fun. I’m glad to finally be below the 180 mark. Praying to stay here consistently/permanently.
2. My oldest son Joseph never knowing deep and meaningful love because of his limitations socially due to autism. I fear that he will never truly know love, friendship or have a meaningful relationship with God.
(Fall of 2014) Joseph is in therapy and started public school in the Fall. He is in the 8th grade. Prayer, writing in my journal, working with a counselor on grief issues have all helped me realize that Josephs quality of life cannot be measured using a certain standard. These fears of mine are unmitigated. God loves Joseph just as he is and is in control of His relationship with Joseph. I can teach Joseph about God, pray for him and then I must let go of the results. Joseph does have friends. Just because they don’t come over and spend the night or he isn’t talking to them on the phone or chatting on FB doesn’t mean he is incapable of friendship. I’m praying for eyes to see things with new perspective and a heart to love Joseph exactly the way he is today, not as I would have him.
*Joseph had a very successful first year in public school. He repeated 8th grade and is preparing to transition to the local high school. He is progressing nicely and working toward independence. We are so proud.
3. Never seeing my family again.
I was blessed to say goodbye to my Papa in May and to surprise my mother for a Mother’s Day visit. I also saw all of my brothers and their families, my father and several friends while in town. Now that we live in NC I am becoming reacquainted with family and was blessed to say goodbye to Papa before he died in November of 2014.
4. I’m afraid of nighttime. I have a general sense of anxiety about winding down. I don’t sleep very well. Will I get a call that someone is sick or has died? Will Nathan come home from work? Everything feels out of control for me at night time. Odd I know…but I’m trying to release this fear.
I’m praying Scripture over myself at night time and sleeping with ear plugs so I’m not constantly listening for the children. Also sometimes I sleep with the door closed. I’ve stopped taking the phone into bed with me (although it’s still on my bedside table). I’m making purposeful attempts to have a calmer, more peaceful evening routine.
5. Completely warping my children, isolating them and driving them away. I have fears of them moving out and never visiting and sitting in some counselor’s office someday talking about what a sick and twisted, controlling mother they had. 🙂
I’m blessed as people encourage me that I have well-behaved, well-adjusted children. Yes, they have room to grow and change but I’m trying to provide a healthy, stable, functional home in which they can go through that process. I can do my best and then I have to let go of the results.
6. Gliding through life, surviving and full of regrets, and having missed opportunities to be fully engaged in my life and the lives of others. I don’t want to feel sad and sorry for the life I’ve lived. What kind of legacy am I leaving? Will I be known and remembered? Have I made Jesus famous in my lifetime and lead others to Him through my life???
Purposeful living. Sabbath simplicity. Making plans, goals and creating opportunities for dreams to come true. Engaging and disengaging. Learning to live in rhythm. Asking God to lead me down the ancient paths where the good life is. These are things I’m pursuing.
7. Losing Nathan. What would like be like without him? I don’t even want to expound upon this fear. Life would be different and very lonely, but I know I could/would move forward. Would I remarry?
Nathan belongs to God. His days are in our Creator’s hands. I will throw myself into loving Nathan fully and completely every moment I have him in my arms, and not worry about the moments I won’t be able to do so.
8. What people think? I’ve struggled most of my life with being a people pleaser. I HATE this character defect. I’m working on overcoming people’s opinions and seeing things for what they really are. Daily I’m working on realizing my validity is in my relationship with Christ.
Just recently I’ve been faced again with the ugly monster of people pleasing. True friendships are being refined, and toxic relationships are being released. Character flaws are being prayed about and changes are being made. Scripture is being memorized and a LOT of writing is taking place.
9. I’m afraid that Joseph will never be able to live on his own (either group home or with a roommate). Often I think that Joseph will always be our responsibility. Nathan and I will never know the joys of retirement, empty nest, just being “us” again. This is two-fold. I desire for Joseph to have more, to be more, to experience independence and a full and joyful life. There are times that all of this seems possible but others it seems like a foolish dream. This takes up so much space in my mind and heart. It overshadows and colors most of my interactions and reactions to/with Joseph. I know Nathan is fearful about this as well. The biggest part of this fear……if we will live our entire life in the current condition. Is THIS as good as it gets?
10. Will I be able to help my children, each of them, reach their full potential? Each one of these amazing, beautiful gifts has so much potential, so many talents, such a field for harvest. How can I help them know just how special they are, how much they can do, how beautiful they are, how loved they are by God and by us? I’m not even sure that I know how to adequately parent currently. It’s such a sad place to be and I’m fearful.