Forward Motion

It has been months since I’ve written anything new.  I could start this post with the obligatory apologies, but I’m not going to do that.  This is my journey and it’s been full of lots of obstacles in the last months/year.  Besides that is what this post is all about…forward motion.  I’m not focusing on the past.  I’m picking up and continuing to move towards my goals and dreams.  Forward motion for this chick!!!  My new Friday focus is going to be #ForwardMotionFridays.  I will focus on ways that I am moving forward in my life, my faith, my weight loss and fitness goals.  I will provide a chance for people to share ways that they are working towards becoming more well-rounded, full, satisfied, forward moving person.

Today on my FB page I mentioned that I am training to run in a half marathon in Cherokee on October 1st.  I was scheduled to run the Cherokee Harvest Half Marathon last October but it was canceled due to inclement weather.  I was unable to run the rescheduled date.  Talk about a let down.  Sheesh….training for half a year for a race that I didn’t get to run was disappointing.  The entire weekend was a bust.  We rented a cabin that actually was unlivable due to blue mold.  We only got a partial refund.  We drove hours in the rain before realizing the race was canceled.  We only received a partial refund on a train ride we had scheduled.  The entire family was disappointed and even the dog barfed in the van.  Ha!!!  What a memory.  This was one of many emotional disappointments I faced in 2015.  I did not accomplish my weight loss goal (40 down by 40…or even 41).  So my 41st birthday has come and gone and I’m actually up in weight.  I am at 191 as I type this entry.  This girl could give up, give in and collapse into fear, doubt and stress.  That was my old way of coping.  I even debated on deleting this blog, canceling my FB page and just throwing in the towel.  After some thought and prayer I decided no….this was started as a way to chronicle my journey for me and to leave a legacy for my children.  If even one other person read these meanderings….that’s a gift, but not expected.  So…it’s still brought2ubythenumber40.  I will be in my 40s for a few more years.  The significant time period of 40 is still important, and I can accomplish the other goals related to this dream.  My ultimate goal of health, wholeness and holiness will never change.  I do believe that I can see 142.8 on the scales.  I just need to reassess the way that I get to that point and extend grace to myself in the process.

So I am currently still drinking Shakeology regularly, counting calories using the MyFitnessPal program/application, and using exercise videos at home (Cize, 21 Day Fix, Kettleworx, and Beachbody on Demand).  I am using a new bodyweight only exercise app on my iPad and  phone called Runtastic Results and the 7 Minute workout application. I use a Runtastic walk/run training schedule for my half marathon training.   I am contemplating the next round of the Whole Life Challenge which begins in May, a Daniel Fast and repeating a round of 21 Day Fix.  I am prayerfully considering the right path and asking for wisdom to find a course to help me back on track and to finish this race well.  I am looking for a new doc and hope to get a physical done.  It’s been a few years since I’ve had one done.  So many things swirling around in my brain, but I know I am capable of making the right decision.

So discouragement is a real part of life.  It has been a big part of my adult life and I used to succumb to discouragement. I would delude myself into thinking I was handling my emotions by overeating, not getting enough sleep, talking to everyone about my problems, crying a LOT and even allowing myself to feel bitter and jealous towards those I thought were always succeeding.  It was and is an unrealistic thing to think that everyone succeeds all the time and that life is easy for people.  Everyone has stuff.  Everyone hurts.  Everyone faces disappointment daily.  My life isn’t any easier or harder than others.  However, it’s my life and it’s time to start moving forward again.  The founder of Mary Kay cosmetics (Mary Kay Ash) once shared that….falling forward

Isn’t that great?  So this falling and failing forward has a purpose.  It’s not just an accidental happening or a shortcoming in my character.  It is what is actually aiding my growth.

Forget the to-do lists that never got finished.  Forget the numbers.  Forget the goals that weren’t achieved.  Forget the plans that didn’t manifest.  Forget the haters.  Forget the doubters.  Forget the shoulda, coulda, wouldas.  Today I’m focusing on forgiveness and gratitude and falling forward (forward motion) into my new, my good, my next leg of this journey.  Success looks differently than it used to and it certainly looks different on me than it does others, but it’s a personal thing.

Today…I’m moving forward into health, wholeness, success, healing, holiness, joy and peace.  You can come along if you wish…..

Yours Always~

Janelle

 

 

 

 

Haunted

So today I’ve literally felt haunted by memories. Haunted by pictures, dreams and verbal reminders of past failures and disappointments. I had a series of disturbing dreams last night featuring people from my past. I was unloving toward my children today and found myself yelling more than I should. Jesse randomly reminded me, in specific detail, of an episode where I had “blown it” as a parent. I did not do something very important that Nathan asked me to, and I wasn’t as careful with Jonathan as I should have been while getting him dressed for bed and he slipped and hurt his chin.

I feel condemned. I feel haunted and unable to shake this feeling of not being what I should be/could be or was meant to be. My mind plays tricks on me. Feelings dominate me. The struggle to separate reality and emotion is real tonight. Expectations have been set and grossly missed by me and I have been let down by far too many people. The scales have stopped moving and tonight it feels hopeless to ever set them back in balance. My dreams seem pointless.  The green-eyed monster of envy is growling in the background, wanting me to give it a place in my heart.  My thoughts are cluttered.  My heart feels divided.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing. Oh how I need the Spirit’s strength to allow Christ to forgive through me. I wish I didn’t have these memories. My mind begs me to focus on the positive. Why is it that the scum always rises to the top of the pond? Can’t I remember happy days?  New vision, new ways of seeing, perceiving, focusing.  I’m ready to respond instead of react.

Tired of being afraid. Tired of looking over my shoulder. Desperately wanting to be FREE from this weight. Such depth of pain. An intense amount of sadness. A feeling of loss for what was and what will never be.

I feel as if the ghost of my past and the unmet expectations of my life will ever be present. I pray that I can reconcile them someday.